How to make it through a shit film you’ve paid good money to watch

February 4, 2022January 31, 2023 journo

WATCHING a terrible film to the end to justify your Amazon rental or Netflix subscription? Make it hurt less with these tips:

Watch it in a ridiculous number of sittings

You should be immersed in the film’s story and cinematography, but you can only endure it in 20 minute blocks at a time, maximum. As the latest Fast & Furious launches into another interminable fight scene, it’s a morale boost to know you’ve only got two-and-a-half minutes to go before you can pause it and descale the kettle.

Drink heavily

Any pisshead will tell you that necking copious amounts of booze makes time skip forward erratically. Just don’t be so pissed you have no recollection of what happened in the last third of the film or you’ll have to watch the f**king thing again out of a pathetic sense of obligation.

Do something else while watching

Slog through to the credits by doing something appropriately distracting. Texting friends or planning a meal will kill time during a predictable psychological thriller, while a tedious sci-fi film featuring unlikeable characters bickering endlessly in deep space might require something more involved, eg studying for a degree in medieval art history.

Slag it off on IMDb

Join the twats who think they’re professional film critics by slagging off films for bizarre reasons on IMDb user reviews, eg. ‘Excellant cinematopraphy, but Candyman should of bean White.’ You’ll feel better for getting your moronic complaints off your chest, and more importantly it’s five minutes of not watching the bloody awful film.

Join a substance abuse group

Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are full of people who’ve learned to make it through the next agonising hour, day or week of desperately wanting to reach for the bottle or smack. Ask them for tips on how to resist the urge to change channels. They’re bound to be sympathetic.

Recalibrate your film taste

Force yourself to watch all the real dogshit flicks: Turkish Star Wars, Manos: The Hands of Fate, Flesh Gordon. No fast forwarding, no texting, no booze to take the edge off. Eventually even mediocre British toss like Dad’s Army will feel like Goodfellas in comparison.