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February 4, 2022January 31, 2023 journo

BROADCASTING your life via Instagram automatically makes you a f**kwit. But which kind are you?

The earnest life coach

These morons spam feeds with inspirational quotes in twirly pastel lettering. Most of them are tedious yet well-meaning pearls of wisdom from Confucius, but every now and then they’ll misinterpret and share one of Sun Tzu’s maxims. Their audience of deluded followers lap them up regardless.

Fancy-lifestyle-in-background wanker

These ones are easy to spot. Is there a new log burner, vermilion chaise longue or a massive Selfridges bag in the background of your selfies? If so then you’re a privileged lifestyle wanker. Other giveaways are the hashtags #countryliving #cotswoldslife and #decriminalisefoxhunting.

American sponsored-content lady

These can be recognised even with the sound off. Her rows of pristine white teeth and ring-light reflecting eyes tell everyone she’s desperate for engagement with a Nutribullet pyramid scheme. Instagram users should block immediately and scroll away as fast as their little fingers can carry them.

The pictures-of-trees person

Do you take dozens of out of focus pictures of trees then compile them into an exhausting Instagram story? If so then you’re this f**kwit. Expect your followers, if you ever had any, to steadily dwindle away because nobody gives a shit about trees, we’ve all seen them. Your mum will be the last one left but will have you muted.

The smug mother

If you bombard your audience with photos of Archie’s Mandarin lesson or Elsa’s grade 4 piano recital then this is you. Be aware that other mothers are monitoring your life closely and plotting your humiliating downfall. You brought it on yourself by sharing photos of how you got your pre-baby body back so quickly.

The fortysomething cyclist

Representation is important. But thanks to marathon runners, people going through a midlife crisis are well accounted for. This means nobody needs to see you squeezed into elastane leggings as you go for a Sunday morning cycle.

The unabashed hot narcissist

Being hot isn’t a crime, but knowing you’re hot and coyly flaunting your body on Instagram should be. You fall in this category if you only post photos of yourself lounging on the beach, or share reels where you’re working out in as little clothing as possible. Everyone secretly hates you and wants to bang you. That’s what you wanted.