Everything You Need To Know About The Wagner Group

The Onion provides all the details, facts, and lies you need to know to better understand the Wagner Group and the recent revolt of these mercenaries against Russia.

The Wagner Group. Seriously? Pay attention. Jesus Christ.

WeWork in Flatiron District

60% Russian, 40% Dead

Yevgeny Prigozhin, who went ninth overall in the 2015 mercenary draft

Three bullets and a steak knife

Flat. All mercenaries have an equal stake in any pillaged loot and are free to avail themselves of the free keg and foosball tables in the Wagner Group office.

Chill, laid-back, positive

JFK, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Osama bin Laden, Julius Caesar, Betty White

Standard 401(k) with up to 6% match

Casual dates, hookups, group sex, FWB, watching

JC Chasez, Selena Gomez

Summer preppy

Waggy the Wagner Group Pup

Petrozavodsk Prison, Volgograd Prison, IK-6 Penal Colony

Ranges from $30,000 to $50,000 with book signing and after-event discussion

Mass rape and murder

“Cut To The Feeling” by Carly Rae Jepsen

You betcha

Chocolate!

“Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart. There’s nothing I can do; a total eclipse of the heart.”

Matt Damon, Chris Rock, and Margot Robbie