Porn Stars React To House Speaker Mike Johnson Abstaining From Pornography

In a recently surfaced video from 2022, House Speaker Mike Johnson reveals that he and his son use anti-porn software to monitor and eliminate each other’s temptations to view erotica and sexually explicit material. The Onion asked porn stars what they thought about the speaker abstaining from porn, and this is what they said.

“Well, Ted Cruz still watches everything I do, so I feel supported by our elected officials.”

“I can prove otherwise—he must not have realized that the camera goes both ways.”

“What! But he was supposed to be my date to the Massive Asses 3 premiere.”

“It’s called edging, and it’s a great bonding experience for a father and son.”

“A man trying to abstain is how most of my movies start.”

“I know. I’m his accountability partner.”

“We can confirm that he does not abstain completely.”

“Well, I’m sure he’d at least enjoy that video of me saying the N-word.”

“He knows watching porn on an iPad still counts as watching porn, right?”

“It’s fine. Rep. Steve Scalise watches enough porn for the both of them.”

“Wait, are you trying to say he’s breaking up with me?”

“So that’s why I’ve been seeing him on set so much.”

“Hey, sorry, I mostly comment on Donald Trump. That’s my thing. So if you have any questions about him, I’m happy to say ‘A storm is coming’ etc.”

“It makes sense that he wouldn’t want to watch gang bang videos since he hates socialism.”

“Well, I’m sure the film I made called Rosa Parx Refuses To Give Up Seat On Bang Bus with my colleague Malcolm XXX isn’t quite the content he would go for anyway.”

“Suit yourself. More cum for me.”

“I’m sorry to hear he can’t obey the Lord without using an app and a teenager.”

“I’m confused. Does he still want the foot pics or not?”

“Shoot, that brings the number of men who view porn down to a meager 3,999,999,999.”

“So does he close his eyes during the congressional viewing parties?”

“He cannot hide from these nipples forever.”

“Goddammit, that was our last potential customer. Shut it all down, folks. This crazy roller coaster ride of ours has finally come to an end.”

“I think it’s sweet he finally learned about incognito mode.”