Senators Reveal Best Places To Have Sex In Capitol

After footage leaked of a congressional staffer having sex in hearing room used by the Senate Judiciary Committee, The Onion asked senators to reveal the best places to have sex in the capitol, and this is what they said.

“Nothing beats making love in a quiet secluded spot under Sen. John Fetterman.”

“Anywhere, my friend! I love sex like normal people. Penises and…vaginas? Very cool.”

“Covered in soot, wearing a head lamp, deep in the Capitol’s coal mine, just after the canary dies.”

“There’s a great glory hole in the men’s bathroom. You just have to get past the fact that Chuck Grassley is almost always on the other side.”

“McConnell’s office. He’s pretty much always frozen in there.”

“Thanks for asking, but I unfortunately can’t cum.”

“In the fuck chamber. Are you stupid?”

“Dianne Feinstein’s office was great until she died. But Laphonza doesn’t seem to mind if we still pop in and fuck from time to time.”

“Ever since I jerked off in space, nothing on Earth has even come close.”

“The Capitol police interrogation room is great if you want a quaint spot for mouth stuff.”

“In the daycare, to remind oneself that sex is just an unpleasant experience one must undergo to procreate.”

“Just sign up on the clipboard to reserve a tickle chamber.”

“Not the pool, I’ll tell you that much. UTIs are not fun.”

“Well… Oh God, I can’t do this. Rosario, if you’re seeing this, I miss you so much. Give me another chance—I’ll do better. I’ll take my pants all the way off when we make love, rather than pulling them up even higher. We don’t have to eat every dinner at the same steampunk fondue place. I can change. Please! Rosariooooooo!”

“In 1933.”

“I enjoy the danger of fucking on top of the dome during a lightning storm.”

“There’s an unspoken rule in the Senate that if I pin ya, I win ya. And I do take my reward.”

“Dressed in a diaper in my adult-sized bassinet.”

“In the sticky traps they set out for me.”

“In front of Nancy Pelosi. She takes notes and gives really helpful feedback.”

“In my coffin while lying in state.”

“I remember our first time like it was yesterday. It was 1970, and the Arkansas air was sweet with summer dew. We locked eyes—me on the field and her in the opposing bleachers. Both of us knew we’d never be the same ’fore ever speaking a word. We’d meet on the field late at night and explore each other under the stars. To this day, anytime she comes through town, we meet in the shitter for a quickie.”