Americans Explain Why The Military Is Too Woke

Many believe that a once-strong military composed of straight white men has become weak due to a liberal obsession with inclusion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why the U.S. military is too woke, and this is what they said.

“It’s been infiltrated by postmodern, Marxist propaganda like the Geneva Conventions.”

“Women are allowed to serve in combat roles even though science has shown they’re less physically capable of pushing a single button and instantly blowing up someone 400 miles away.”

“You think today’s woke soldiers can kick ass like we did in Vietnam?”

“They’re too focused on diversity. You’ve got the Army, the Marines, the Navy, even the Coast Guard. I mean, just give everyone a gun and put them in one big military.”

“They let women serve in the military, even though women aren’t American.”

“Haven’t heard about atrocities at Guantánamo Bay in a while.”

“Homogenized groupthink has no place in the Army.”

“They’re not allowed to shoot civilians without saying sorry anymore.”

“They sometimes use silencers on their guns now, which is kind of effeminate if you think about it.”

“Did you know the military works for the U.S. government?”

“Wokeness has the pernicious effect of sowing division between soldiers and racist soldiers.”

“No one ever dies during the Army–Navy football game.”

“A recruiter rejected me just because I tried to shoot him. What woke bullshit.”

“Some of them are stationed in socialist Europe.”

“We haven’t beaten Germany in a war in almost a century.”

“I hear the bullets are shaped like vaginas now.”

“I don’t even want to know what new sexuality the red, white, and blue flag with the stars represents.”

“It’s a convenient excuse not to join it.”