Most Popular Plastic Surgery In Every State

We are legally required to warn that looking directly at Americans might make you puke. However, cosmetic procedures can significantly improve the vomit-inducing physical appearance of the U.S. populace. The Onion examines the most popular plastic surgery in every state.

Blubber injection

Getting hand replaced with gun

Grunting through bandages while pointing at menu board of procedures

Fleece graft

Vagina dentata veneers

Conjoined business separation

Botched facelift to correct previous botched facelift

Lemon pepper face peel

Coconut reduction

Skin twice-baking

Fat sucked out of residents’ stomachs, arms, and backs and reinjected into J.B. Pritzker

Eyes permanently rolled back in head to enhance religious experience

Butter injection

Surgery to conjoin twins

Enlargement of stomping foot for more rhythmic fiddling

Adipose boil

Lobster detachment surgery

The senator will let you know what he likes

Forcing flat girlfriend to get double D’s

Chemotherapy

Adding second mouth for apologies

Racial affirmation surgery

Double brain removal

Sky enlargement

Udder tuck

Surgeon’s choice

Swastika tattoo removal

Chest hair transplant

Nuclear peel

Brass ball implants

Tarheelization

Putting on big white T-shirt with bikini bod printed on it

Abortion disguised as skin tag removal for legal reasons

Injecting spent fryer grease into forehead like Botox

End-of-life butt lift

Good ol’ fashioned breast raising

State enlargement

Stitched into human centipede as part of fraternity initiation

Drawing face on torso and making belly button talk

Facial Aryanization surgery

Silicone implants for hair enlargement

Stitching all sister wives together

Wood chipper arm removal

Reptilian tail tuck

Transracial skin tinting

Lung whitening

Curd reconstruction

Draping horse mane over your head and pretending it’s your hair