NASA Admits Martians Exist, And Keep Pleasuring Themselves Sexually With Our Rovers

February 20, 2025 journo

NASA just announced the most significant breaking news in the history of our solar system: life does in fact exist on Mars.

Unfortunately, NASA also revealed that the Martian alien lifeforms have been exhibiting x-rated behavior by apparently pleasuring themselves sexually with all the rovers we’ve sent there to explore, including the latest one, Endeavor.

“Let’s just say that it’s a good thing for our rovers that we haven’t accomplished self-aware, artificial intelligence yet,” explained NASA Chief Engineer Dr. Lou Jackson, “because these Martians do not ask for consent, and are not gentle. They discovered our rover Endeavor about twelve hours ago, and, unfortunately, they’ve been running quite the train on it ever since. It’s barbaric.”

Pictures the rover captured of the Martians show them as having a vaguely humanoid appearance about two and a half feet tall with pale green skin and a bipedal gait, but they have much larger reproductive organs that they are not shy about using to slap, spray, and penetrate our rovers for hours at a time.

“It’s very regrettable that our first encounter with extra-terrestrial life has been so obscene,” continued Dr. Jackson. “This is not exactly stuff we can broadcast to the whole world, at least not without warnings of explicit content and parental guidance warnings of NC-17. These Martians seem to be a biological outlier in terms of appetite for sex. There is certainly no animal species here on Earth I can think of that eagerly expends so much energy with sexual activity, and it doesn’t make a lot of metabolic sense. We haven’t seen them eat, hydrate, or even get tired since the Endeavor rolled its way into a Martian village. Their sex drives apparently have no end. And from what data we could collect, it appears the Martians have a semen-esque reproductive fluid like Earth’s mammals do, but ejaculating once, twice, or even a dozen times does not seem to slow them down. These Martian perverts have been shooting loads all over our poor Endeavor, and the thick viscosity of their ejections has drenched the rover’s mechanical parts, dried, and crusted all over. The rover’s functions are largely disabled, and the camera lenses were quickly entirely obscured. Despite losing the visual data, though, we’re quite confident the Martians’ sexual misdeeds have only increased in intensity over the last several hours because the rover’s seismographic monitors are going crazy as if it’s shaking in a mega earthquake. Those aliens are really going to town on the Endeavor. We tried to make it roll away, but now the wheels spin without moving. Our guess is that the Martians have somehow tied up the rover, or immobilized it in some other way, and are now holding it captive as some kind of sex slave.”

The discovery of horny alien life has led to NASA changing its designs on future Martian rovers.

“We’re definitely adapting to the situation,” continued Dr. Jackson. “Our next rover, which we’ve named Independent, is going to be equipped with all kinds of protective and defensive capabilities. We’re going to put some wipers on the camera lenses to wipe away the alien emissions so we can observe them for longer, we’ll program acoustic abilities like several different alarm sounds and other sound-effects to hopefully frighten off the Martians, we’ll install several canisters of pepper spray with a trigger mechanism to educate these sex-crazed, alien bastards that ‘No means no,’ and we’re developing a moveable arm with a switchblade-style knife attachment to free itself if it gets tied up again. We want our rovers to come in peace, of course, but the cost of building these incredibly high-tech rovers with state-of-the-art instruments, and then blasting them to Mars on huge rockets is much too expensive for us to allow them to become nothing more than billion dollar, intergalactic sex dolls for these green, little freaks.” 🥃

Like my comedy? Here’s a 50% discount on paid subscriptions to help support me, for just $2.50 a month, to interrupt your doomscrolling with my absurdist humor!

☕ Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!

But first subscribe to my free Substack The Halfway Café to get my work delivered right to your inbox. In this second Trump Era of surrealist governance, nothing is more important than comedy, so consider becoming a paid member to help support me tirelessly mocking Trump and his MAGA movement.

Because our social media platforms are being scrambled up by oligarchs, if you like my comedy, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Twitter, Bluesky, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.

If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the book for you: “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books for Millennials, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.

Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada News portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.