Putin Just Won “2024 Groomer Of The Year” For Pimping Trump

February 23, 2025 journo

Official White House photo by Shealah Craighead | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0

Vladimir Putin just beat Drake, Woody Allen, and Diddy for “2024 Groomer of the Year” for his successful, multi-decade effort at grooming Donald Trump to become president and dismantle the American hegemony that keeps Russia from invading all its neighbors.
Donald Trump reportedly skipped golfing this morning because yesterday D.O.G.E. unwittingly fired the White House staffer who does Trump’s daily, two-hour hair routine.
Elon Musk and D.O.G.E. reportedly keep misrepresenting the results of their departmental audits because they’re finding that it’s red states and MAGA districts that disproportionately use and abuse government handouts and subsidies.
Tesla’s branding problems are growing as the nickname “Swasticar” is going viral globally across social media platforms in Europe, Asia, and Africa.
Moderate GOP senators are reportedly torn between letting Trump and Musk make 300 million+ Americans’ lives objectively much worse and wrecking the US-led world order, or having one rough day at work dealing with a negative Trump tweet.
Trump’s meetings with Russian diplomats over Ukraine are reportedly stalling out because the Russians keep requesting breaks every half hour to go outside and get fresh air after sitting close to him.
During a D.O.G.E. visit at the Department of Energy today, an employee who had brought in her 4-year-old son was fired after her son reportedly interrupted Elon Musk to tell him to “shut up,” and then “you need to go away.”
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has reportedly directed the military to buy $250,000 worth of Tucker Carlson’s “Testicle Tanners™” as part of a pilot program to boost testosterone in the US Army and Marines and make soldiers more masculine.
Trump says it’s “crossing a red line” for the media to investigate how many Russian Rubles have been spent on his crypto meme coins, NFTs, $DJT stocks, gold shoes, and Bibles.
The Republican political conference CPAC is this weekend, or as the executives of the gay dating app Grindr call it, “Grindr’s Super Bowl.”
On the first day of CPAC the gay dating app Grindr crashed twice.
Elon Musk and D.O.G.E. reportedly fired by accident the White House staffer who discretely sprays Trump with Febreze throughout the day so his stench doesn’t make his staff and foreign diplomats gag.
The number of Republican officials at the federal and state level who have been divorced by their wives over their support of Trump has reportedly just surpassed 100.
Republicans are furious after Amazon just announced the next James Bond will be a Black, pansexual, vegan, trans woman in a wheelchair with blue hair and a PhD in women’s studies.
Dozens of journalists at the New York Times and Washington Post are bragging about how many “insane scoops” they’ve already collected about Trump’s stunning illegality, incompetence, and national security threats that everyone can read about in two years if you buy their books.
Vladimir Putin is reportedly alarmed that Trump is acting and talking so belligerently unconstitutionally that even Republicans will come around to impeaching him before his four years are over.
US officials are reportedly driving a harder bargain on Ukrainian peace than Vladimir Putin expected because Trump won’t read any of the agreement documents and he golfs every day.
Trump’s “Ukrainian peace deal” reportedly consists of Putin getting everything he wants in exchange for a Trump Tower Moscow and an 18-pack of Diet Coke.
Ukrainian and US military officials say they’re hopeful Pete Hegseth drinks too much each day to remember that he’s supposed to be stopping the military from helping Ukraine fuck up Russia.
Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov reportedly brought US diplomats a framed “Robel Peace Prize” medal mimicking the Nobel Peace Prize to give to Trump to thank him for negotiating without President Zelensky or any other Ukrainians present.
The gay dating app Grindr reportedly had to connect six new servers online to host all the app traffic coming from CPAC on day 2.
A top executive of the gay dating app Grindr is reportedly driving around the Republican conference CPAC in a Rolls Royce with a license plate that says “THX CPAC.”
With the stock market plummeting, MAGA Baby Boomers are turning against Trump, saying, “He was supposed to deport brown people, not ruin our retirements!”
A televangelist from Indiana who claimed no one needed to get any vaccines because infectious diseases were “afraid of Trump and RFK Jr.” reportedly just got measles.
A former top intelligence official says Trump could quite likely be the Russian asset codenamed “Krasnov” and not know because he’s “too stupid, narcissistic, and easily flattered to realize Elon Musk is using him like a puppet, let alone Russian spy services.
Republican members of Congress meeting with their constituents this weekend are reportedly beginning to worry Trump and Musk are fomenting a massive revolt against billionaires and corruption that will make the Tea Parties of the early 2010s look like child’s play.
A leaked memo from Fox News reveals that the network’s interviewers regularly use Vicks VapoRub under their noses when interviewing Donald Trump because he smells like, as one Fox producer described it, “roast beef diarrhea.” 🥃

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