Tesla Executives Want Elon Musk To Email Them 5 Things He Did This Week

• Russian officials claim the allegation that Donald Trump is a Russian asset codenamed “Krasnov” is totally fictional because his codename was actually “Ronald McDonald.”
• Elon Musk is reportedly scrambling to backtrack after D.O.G.E.’s latest AI-driven investigation of the federal bureaucracy blending salary cost with work output found that the laziest, most free-loading bureaucrat in the entire government is Trump.
• Hollywood has begun filming a movie based on Trump and Elon Musk where two Russian-compromised double agents code-named “Krasnov” and “Ketaminov” take over the US government, but they’re so incompetent they get kicked out and the Russian dictator poisons them.
• Elon Musk is reportedly offering to let any female federal employees keep their jobs if they have his baby and raise it alone.
• The mountain of dog poop New Yorkers are accumulating on the sidewalk beside Trump Tower is now six feet tall.
• Trump is reportedly furious because his latest threats to leave NATO have backfired as European leaders are proposing to replace the US in NATO with Ukraine, start curb stomping Russia all together, and then make Trump utterly irrelevant in all the negotiations.
• Trump is reportedly pissed it’s taking so long to figure out the Ukraine peace deal, and he hasn’t gotten to do any photo-ops with Vladimir Putin yet.
• The group of amateur tuba players who interrupted parts of Trump’s inaugural celebrations are back in the D.C. streets following and trolling Elon Musk as he travels between government buildings with his DOGE incel twinks.
• Trump’s feelings reportedly got hurt during his meeting with French President Macron yesterday, and he was overheard shouting at Macron, “Why do you Europeans all think I’m dumb? Putin doesn’t think I’m an idiot! He thinks I’m a genius! He says my idea to dismantle NATO is better than any president ever!”
• Tesla engineers reportedly renovated Trump’s favorite golf course with an elaborate system of magnets and magnetized balls that let Trump hit several holes-in-one each day, and now all Trump wants to do is golf for hours so Elon gets to do all the presidenting work.
• Trump’s extortion offer to steal Ukraine’s mineral profits has reportedly backfired because Ukrainians laughed at it, the Russians are mad Trump is playing both sides and apparently willing to take a Ukrainian bribe, and now neither side is returning Trump’s calls.
• Elon Musk’s plan to use AI to figure out which government departments and programs should be cut reportedly keeps backfiring as every time the AI runs the numbers it suggests the government should stop subsidizing all of Musk’s companies.
• Whistleblowers at the White House claim that every morning Elon Musk gives Trump a stack of one hundred meaningless executive orders to sign to keep him busy and distracted while Elon runs the entire government.
• The Secret Service is reportedly concerned Elon Musk’s FAA firings could endanger Air Force One or Trump’s private plane, and result in the President catching on fire or exploding.
• A journalist reportedly just shouted the Mean Girls line, “She doesn’t even go here!” at Elon Musk when he stood up and interrupted Trump’s Cabinet meeting.
• With suspicious bruises showing on Trump’s hands, medical experts are speculating Trump might be trying to dismantle the government in record speed because he has only weeks left to live.
• In the Vice President’s office is a couch with suspicious white stains in the cracks of the cushions that JD Vance claims were there when he found it.
• D.O.G.E. reportedly found that there’s nothing more wasteful in the government than Trump — in both the government expenses he incurs from constant golfing and dumb photo-ops, as well as the excretory waste in his pants that gives him his infamous stench.
• After the Tesla stock value plummeted for a week straight, the board of directors at Tesla has reportedly demanded Elon Musk email them a list of 5 things he has done for the company this year.
• A suspicious number of Tesla Cybertruck drivers are NOT cleaning off the swastikas that people are spray painting on them.
• A very MAGA Trump voter in Alabama who died this morning from no longer being able to afford insulin after Trump raised its price claimed on his deathbed he was “proud to die in service of making the government more efficient.”
• With measles cases skyrocketing among unvaccinated Republican voters in Texas, top GOP officials are worried 2024 will have been the last time Texas will be a red state.
• Florida Republicans are reportedly concerned Trump is trying to set up another Epstein sex-trafficking ring by freeing the Tate brothers and bringing them to Florida.
• Trump is reportedly bungling up the Ukrainian peace deal so bad that the Secret Service is boosting security for all the food that comes into the White House to prevent Russian agents from poisoning him.
• Trump’s fake rollout of the Epstein files has horribly backfired with MAGA fans furious how guilty it makes Trump look, and some are even filming themselves burning their red MAGA hats.
• A group of two dozen MAGA fans in Idaho just announced they’re beginning a hunger strike they vow will last until the Epstein Files are released in full to exonerate Trump “once and for all,” or they die. 🥃

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