The Nobel Committee Says Trump “Doesn’t Have The Cards” For A Peace Prize

April 3, 2025 journo

Official White House photo by Shealah Craighead | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0

White House staffers reportedly have to keep telling Trump weekly that he can’t defund or have Elon Musk fire everyone at the Nobel Peace Prize Committee because it isn’t American.
Elon Musk lost the WI Supreme Court election because he didn’t tell Wisconsinites “please” or “thank you.”
After losing the Wisconsin election last night, Elon Musk reportedly called up his video game players and told them to “get me to #1 on Diablo IV immediately.”
Trump reportedly asked Elon Musk this morning to train a new billionaire on how to run everything, and Musk is worried he’s training his replacement.
Because Elise Stefanik moved out of her Congressional office to prepare for the UN, she and her staff now got reassigned to the worst, least requested room in the building: the spot between the offices of Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene called “The Taint.”
Vladimir Putin is reportedly very pleasantly surprised to see how much JD Vance hates Europe without him having to spend millions of dollars on Vance like he had to spend on Trump.
Elon Musk reportedly fears the secretive feminist mafia that calls itself “The Cliterati” is behind all the Tesla protests, but he has no evidence because they’re so hard to find.
Elon Musk is reportedly upset so many protesters are carrying signs that say “Go back to South Africa,” and says he doesn’t know where such anti-immigrant sentiments come from.
Trump is reportedly demanding Greenland give the US military 1,000 polar bears after someone showed him an AI photo of Russian soldiers riding bears into battle.
Drag queens in Los Angeles are hosting a Trump-themed drag show tonight called “Orange Sluts For Daddy Trump,” where they do their makeup like him and give themselves stage names like “Rhonda Santis,” “BJ Vance,” “Kristi Bone,” “Steven Kill-Her,” and “Peter Fagseth.”
A liberal billionaire is reportedly offering several $1 million checks in Wisconsin tonight to people who bring proof of either selling all their Tesla stock or selling their Tesla vehicles to troll Elon Musk.
Donald Trump reportedly told the FBI to arrest anyone who would “try to pull a January 6th” at Elon Musk’s carpetbagging electoral bribery rally, and prosecute them for terrorism.
Police officials around the nation are reportedly recommending no one buy or drive any Teslas because there’s not enough police to protect them all.
Pete Hegseth bringing his wife along on his job interviews as a human shield against questions about his rapey behavior is peak MAGA Masculinity™.
Trump reportedly spent all week demanding to see his staffers’ phones and group chats all weekend, and is furious to find that JD Vance has texted, “The President doesn’t understand _____” to all of them.
Trump says it’s not his fault he hasn’t gotten a Ukraine peace deal yet, claiming, “No one could have known Putin would move the goalposts so many times!”
Trump is reportedly pissed because his Ukraine deal with Putin is going nowhere, and his threats to leave NATO backfired with European leaders ignoring him and planning a Ukrainian security deal without him, and now it’s looking like he won’t get to do a photo-op with anyone.
Trump has reportedly been warned by his doctors not to visit any red states because of the heightened risk of catching measles, tuberculosis, and freak COVID mutations due to alarmingly low vaccination rates.
A White House staffer claims Trump was bluffing all along about the tariffs to convince a bunch of countries to give him easy concessions to take credit for, but, because the whole world called his bluff, he now has to save face by imploding the stock market.
Gang members from Latin America are getting “TRUMP” tattoos instead of skull and gun tattoos so they won’t be deported by ICE.
The Wisconsin Supreme Court race was Elon Musk’s biggest economic meltdown since Tesla’s stock value plummeted last month.
A local conservative man who has been commenting “f*ck your feelings” and “liberal tears” every single day for the last decade is upset that people are calling him a Nazi because he drives a Cybertruck.
Republicans say employment will soon be booming thanks to the tariffs because of how many Baby Boomers on fixed incomes will come out of retirement to pay for groceries — and join all the red states’ increased child laborers in replacing all the deported immigrants.
Because Elise Stefanik lost her UN job and is returning to the House, she also lost her old seat in the chamber and now has to sit in the untaken seat between Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene. The last member of Congress who sat between them claims he suffered significant hearing loss because of them.

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