Trump Is Praying To God For The First Time In His Life To Save The Stock Market

April 6, 2025 journo

Official White House photo by Shealah Craighead | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0

Trump reportedly prayed to God for the first time in his life today that the economy doesn’t suffer the worst crash in US history tomorrow, and make his name more synonymous with bankruptcy than it already is.
At the LIV golf tournament Trump is hosting this weekend, Saudi officials reportedly keep asking, “Did someone step in camel poop?” every time Trump walks into the room.
Despite every other stock plummeting in value, the stock value of Leopards Eating Faces Inc. is skyrocketing.
A local MAGA fan is starting to wonder if Republicans keep crashing the economy every time they get power intentionally.
There are now currently a dozen former stockbrokers building shack homes in a makeshift “Trumpville” in the middle of NYC’s Central Park after last week’s stock market chaos.
Economists are bewildered as Trump reportedly told them America can just write off this week’s $5 trillion in stock losses like he wrote off billions in taxes over three decades.
Trump says his plan to prevent a recession or depression is coming in “two weeks.”
Trump won first place at his golf tournament this weekend after ICE showed up and the three golfers ahead of him were deported to El Salvador.
A new poll found that 65% of Americans want Wisconsin’s liberal Supreme Court to immediately invalidate and redraw their state’s districting map to flip the House of Representatives to Democrats to stop all the “Trump Tax” tariffs from wrecking the economy.
Trump is furious political pundits across the nation are already referring to the April 3rd, 2025 stock market meltdown as “Von ShitzInPantz Day.”
New York City just announced it’s setting aside land in Central Park for the first “Trumpville” so people who lose all their money in the stock market because of Trump’s tariff taxes can make shacks and live there.
Trump staffers are reportedly worried he won’t be able to handle the universal criticism he’s getting for crashing the US economy by choice, and he’ll go full dictator and start violently squashing dissent and protests rather than admit he fucked up.
The International Association of Historians just announced they are giving Donald Trump the official moniker of “Donald the Mad” in all future history books.
Former Attorney General Merrick Garland is reportedly content today that he did everything by the book.
Trump is reportedly thinking about causing a bank run, and he claims it will “make investment in America come roaring back.”
Trump just set a new OnlyFans record of fucking every American in one day.
Fox News is going hard on anti-trans content today to hide the fact that the US economy is transitioning into a 2nd Great Depression.
Lindsey Graham reportedly keeps hearing his infamous words that Trump will destroy the GOP and Republicans will deserve it ringing repeatedly in his ears.
Church leaders and pastors across the nation who ignored Trump’s philandering, life of fraud, and inhumane immigration policies say they’re beginning to second-guess their 2024 votes over Trump’s wrecking of the stock market.
Trump is reportedly going to sign new, higher tariffs for Saudi Arabia tomorrow after a Saudi official called him out for cheating at his LIV golf tournament today.
A big group of hot, gay actors from Hollywood just launched “Operation Twink” to seduce and film enough homophobic Republican House members from blue states in career-ending sex stings to flip the House to Democrats.
Twenty-five major cities have now announced they’re setting aside public land for “Trumpvilles” to prepare for the inevitable shack shanty towns thanks to Trump’s destruction of the stock market.
A Christian church in Georgia is looking to hire a drag queen as its next youth pastor because the last 9 youth pastors in a row all got busted for grooming and diddling the kids, and no drag queen in the county’s history has committed a single recorded crime. 🥃

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