Conservative Men Explain How They Are Raising Daughters

The only thing more terrifying than having a child is having a child that’s not born a straight white male. The Onion asked conservative men how they are coping with the tragedy of having to raise a daughter, and this is what they said.

“I split up my days pretty evenly between telling her how much I wanted a boy and berating her for acting too much like a boy.”

“All my daughters know if they toil hard they can become one of my wives someday.”

“If I’ve done my job, she will definitely be running away from home by age 15.”

“I just tell her to never have sex and always do what men want.”

“Every month I add another ox to her dowry fund.”

“I’m raising my daughter to have a strong, well-proportioned body with good bone density. She will have long, powerful haunches and not spook easily. Together, we will go to Churchill Downs and win the Kentucky Derby.”

“I call those ‘girl-sons.’”

“Honesty, I let the internalized misogyny do most of the work.”

“Sending her mom $200 every few months unless she’s being a bitch.”

“Wait, I have a daughter?”

“Daughters? No, they get left at the hospital. I have sons.”

“I’m teaching her that women are the property of their husbands, but they can still be strong. Like a Ford F-150.”

“You should raise daughters and sons the same way: with a healthy disrespect for women.”

“Filming a series of life lessons that she can rewatch in our bunker after whites get replaced by the mongrel hordes.”

“If they’re ready to be married at 11, I’ll have done my job.”

“Not sure. I’m hoping my wife’s raising her to give me grandsons.”

“I teach her that just because she’s a woman, it doesn’t mean her husband can’t be headstrong and independent.”

“Gonna set her up with my friends.”