The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Simone Biles

Athletes from around the world have begun arriving in Paris ahead of the 2024 Summer Olympics. The Onion met up with Simone Biles, the most decorated gymnast in history, to discuss mental health, the pressure to succeed, and her experience at the 2020 Tokyo Games.

The Onion: How old were you when you started gymnastics?
Biles: I did my first somersault at 22, and after that, I just fell in love with the sport.
The Onion: What goes through your mind when you’re so high in the air?
Biles: Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, please don’t die, don’t die, don’t die, don’t die, don’t die.
The Onion: Where do you keep your gold medals?
Biles: I scatter them all over the beach so I have something to find with my metal detector.
The Onion: In 2020, you left the team final after getting a case of the “twisties.” How did you process the response from the public?
Biles: Thankfully, America has a very warm and forgiving attitude toward Black women.
The Onion: How has therapy helped you tackle your fears?
Biles: I realized my fear of the balance beam was a subconscious reaction to the time one bit me as a child.
The Onion: How did you know you were ready to return to the sport?
Biles: I read in an article that my mental health was better.
The Onion: What advice do you have for young aspiring athletes?
Biles: My husband is on the Chicago Bears, and I’m always encouraging him to just stick with it.
The Onion: Are you worried about the possibility that a case of the twisties will return again in Paris?
Biles: Not until you suggested it, I wasn’t. Thanks a lot, asshole. You just cost America the medal count.