R. Kelly Petitions Supreme Court To Watch Him Pee

BUTNER, NC—In their latest attempt to have the “Ignition (Remix)” singer’s 2022 conviction for child pornography overturned, attorneys for disgraced R&B star R. Kelly petitioned the U.S. Supreme Court on Monday to watch him pee. “Today we ask the court to grant review in this case so that Mr. Robert Kelly is given the opportunity to pee in front of the honorable justices while they watch,” defense attorney Jennifer Bonjean wrote in a petition for certiorari, noting that R. Kelly had already filed a preliminary motion for the exposure of his penis in open court. “It is our belief that the federal judiciary should not infringe upon the defendant’s right to spray his golden shower before the bench. To deny this appeal would be to undermine the First Amendment’s guarantee of free expression as it applies to Mr. Kelly’s exercise of limitless, unfettered pissing at any time and place of his choosing.” At press time, sources confirmed R. Kelly’s lawyers had withdrawn the petition at their client’s request after he discovered all nine Supreme Court justices were above the age of consent.