Tesla Stockholders Want A D.O.G.E. Of Their Own To Fire Elon Musk
[I’m trying to be the most relentless satirist of Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and the MAGA movement on the Internet, so if you like my graffiti news comedy here’s a 50% discount on paid subscriptions to help support me, for just $2.50 a month, tirelessly mock Trump’s fascism with comedy.]
- Tesla stockholders are calling for the company to institute a D.O.G.E. committee of its own to fire Elon Musk.
- Disillusioned Trump voters in Georgia are hosting a MAGA hat bonfire tonight to protest Trump bringing the Tate brothers to Florida, with the event organizers explaining, “Trump was supposed to deport rapists, not import them!”
- The 2024 Charles Darwin Award was just awarded to “all the Trump voters who have unvaccinated children” in honor of their effort to remove their own genetics from the gene pool.
- “If only there had been some way to know a vote for Trump was a vote for pervs and sex-traffickers,” say MAGA fans in Montana who are disgusted Trump would free the Tate brothers.
- A top Democrat is calling for putting a 10,000% tariff on all imports of sex-traffickers so the Tate brothers can’t make any money here in the US.
- Trump is reportedly furious that so many European leaders are pledging enough support, money, and arms for Ukraine to sideline him completely, and was overheard shouting to his staffers, “This is supposed to be MY deal, and MY Nobel Peace Prize!”
- Trump is reportedly furious JD Vance upstaged him in the Zelensky meeting because he’s worried, if Putin starts to like Vance’s harder stances against Ukraine, Putin will poison Trump to let Vance take over.
- The Nobel Peace Prize Committee is reportedly going to award their prize to President Zelensky for his “extreme nonviolence exhibited when he didn’t choke out JD Vance in the Oval Office yesterday.”
- National security advisers are reportedly bracing for the potential impact of European nations Trump has ceaselessly antagonized releasing intel they may have on his Epstein connections.
- Elon Musk is reportedly beginning to worry he’s not actually funny, and he’s just surrounded by annoying, opportunistic suck-ups who fake laugh at all his juvenile jokes.
- “Epstein Files Week” is the second Trump presidency’s version of his “Infrastructure Weeks” where the administration will repeatedly prepare big photo-ops without anything of substance actually ever being revealed.
- The Internet Porn Awards just honored Trump as “2024’s Best Power Bottom” in recognition of his “extreme submissiveness for Vladimir Putin.”
- A petition to revoke all federal funding for Elon Musk until he thanks Americans “because, without us, he doesn’t have the cards,” has gotten 30 million signatures in 6 hours.
- Trump claims no one wants to release the Epstein files more than him, but that too many Democrats went to the parties on the private island that he maybe only went to a few times and doesn’t remember at all because they were so innocent and legal, so in the interest of national unity and cooperating with Democrats in the government, he won’t release them.
- Elon Musk reportedly knows he’s over-leveraged with too much Tesla stock collateralized for too many loans, and a plummet in Tesla’s stock value would collapse his wealth like a house of cards, make him sell everything, and, most painful of all, make him irrelevant.
- BREAKING NEWS: Susan Collins is “concerned” by Trump’s official betrayal of Ukraine.
- European leaders are reportedly planning to follow British Prime Minister Kier Starmer’s lead and keep handing Trump letters to read live during filmed press conferences until Trump admits he’s illiterate.
- Trump is already calling his tariffs the “Biden tariffs” after they immediately wrecked the stock market.
- Trump has reportedly been showing stroke-like symptoms while shuffling extra slow and having trouble moving his leg, and may have to start using a wheelchair soon.
- Trump was reportedly 15 minutes late to his State of the Union speech because he had to do a last minute diaper change.
- Trump is demanding that no one call his tariffs’ raised prices on consumer goods “the Trump Tax.”
- White House staffers are extremely worried about Trump’s limp and potential neurological problems because if he has to start using a wheelchair it means he’ll every day at some point be sitting in his soiled diapers and smell even worse than he already does.
- Trump is reportedly threatening billionaires that, if they don’t start pumping up the stock market, he’s not going to give them their massive tax cut.
- Trump says he needs just “two more weeks” to reveal all the Epstein files “for real this time.”
- Trump is reportedly livid everyone is calling inflation “Trumpflation” now that his tariffs are wrecking the economy. 🥃
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