An STD That Turns Penises Orange Was Just Named After Donald Trump

March 8, 2025 journo

A recent discovery of a new sexually transmitted disease has just given President Donald Trump his life’s latest honor.

The disease, scientifically classified as Trumporrhea trachomatis, is a mushroom-shaped bacterium that infects both genders’ urethras, but its visible symptoms are more apparent in males because it tends to turn the head of the penis an orange color in a manner that its medical discoverers thought bore a striking resemblance to Trump’s orange foundation makeup.

“The orange kind of flares out from the urethra’s opening, but in circumcised men it rarely extends to the edge of the penile head,” explained Dr. Harold Weinerman, who thought up the name for the new disease. “And, because you’re likely wondering, yes, my surname did indeed inspire my chosen field of medical study.”

Dr. Weinerman further explained the symptoms of Trumporrhea that convinced him Donald Trump was the perfect person to name it after.

“The orange discoloration is the classic indicator of Trumporrhea’s infection, and it almost perfectly imitates the President’s classic, minstrel-esque makeup look where he paints himself orange every morning, but doesn’t quite blend the makeup all the way into his hairline, jaw, or eye sockets so there’s always a distinctive border where his neck, ears, and eyes are just a completely different color from the rest of his face. I myself thought it also amusingly familiar that another common symptom of Trumporrhea is a burning sensation while urinating, just like America’s democracy gets a burning sensation every time Trump opens his mouth to whine about how mean and unfair everyone in the world is to him.”

Dr. Weinerman said he wanted to assure everyone that Trumporrhea is not a disease to worry much about, as it is easily treated with antibiotics, though it does annoyingly sometimes come back after lying dormant for up to four years.

“Trumporrhea’s cell walls are so quickly burst through by penicillin during treatment that I like to think Trumporrhea bacteriums yell out just before dying that biology is ‘rigged against it.’ And it probably hates me for accurately diagnosing it as an STD, so it probably calls any diagnosis of it a ‘fake news hoax,’ and yells out in its little microscopic voice that I and the rest of my medical team are ‘enemies of the people.’ And when we diagnose patients with Trumporrhea, it probably holds a little STD press conference saying, ‘Chlamydia, if you’re listening, hack Dr. Weinerman’s emails!’ And it tells infected patients’ most gullible, nearby penile skin cells that its orange inflammation is going to ‘Make the Penis Great Again.’”

Dr. Weinerman chuckled to himself.

“I’ve thought of like a hundred of these, and could keep going all day. Nothing has given me more pleasure and satisfaction in my career than naming an STD after Donald Trump, who is, without a doubt, the most STD-like president we’ve ever had.” 🥃

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