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SAN FRANCISCO—As front-office executives surveyed the damage done to their record-keeping facility, Major League Baseball announced Monday that it had lost millions of stats Monday in a devastating warehouse blaze. “It is with a heavy heart that I share today the news of an accidental fire that has reduced to ash…

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Admitting that he should frankly know better than to share anything at this point, local man Jason Dearborn told reporters Monday that sending a photo of a garden cucumber to his father unleashed a torrent of unbridled criticism. “I texted my family a photo of what I thought was a…

WASHINGTON—Arriving for a campaign strategy session with the vice president and staring in disbelief at her frail, hunched-over form, top Democratic Party officials reportedly began panicking Monday after they discovered Kamala Harris had aged 40 years in a single night. “What the hell happened to her? She was only 59…Read more…>read…

WASHINGTON—In a significant setback for the already-reeling Democratic Party, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly turned down the presidential nomination today in order to take a job on an Alaskan fishing vessel. “It’s a nice offer, but I already lined up this whole seasonal fishing gig out of Anchorage that…Read more…>read more…

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WASHINGTON—In what was widely regarded as a misfire by the 81-year-old as he formally bowed out of the 2024 election, President Joe Biden repeatedly flubbed his exit speech today, saying he would “rule the country with an iron fist for one thousand years.” “Tonight, I, Joseph R. Biden, vow to take…